The horror. The embarrassment. The feeling of being the laughing stock. From outstanding to not standing. At all. I always try not to use clichés when I speak or write, but I’m very tempted to use the sentence “I almost died…”
For the last three weeks I’ve been following a course with some amazing people, and two days ago we went out of the classroom and had a day out. We strolled in an aria that is famous for the vast beaches of round stones, and it was a great experience. We had a bonfire and made lunch, and we spent some beautiful hours. The weather was so nice, fall season at its best, sun from clear blue sky and no wind. We were sitting around the fire, laughing and talking, and I read them two of my poems from my upcoming book. This was the first time I’ve shared poems from the book with anybody, except my publisher, and I got quite nervous about it. Their response was very positive and encouraging, and I felt both relieved and a bit proud…
This should be the entire history! I got to read my poems and got positive response.
On our way back I fell a little behind. This was due to two separate causes, one: I walked slowly because I was admiring the great view of the vast sea; it was like a blue sea of sparkling diamonds. Two: I found it hard to walk on all the round stones on the beach, and it went on for ever. After some struggling minutes, I realized that everybody was waiting for me. They had stopped, and they were all looking back to see if I was soon to be joining them.
That’s when it happened. I fell. I fell flat on my face. My knee hurt, my hand hurt, I was on my way to burst into tears, and I felt like vomiting.
What did I do? I got right back up, said I was ok, and then I stared out on the horizon of the sea. Wishing they go away, both my pains and my fellow tour trackers. Of course, neither did.
I was so embarrassed. Wanting to laugh it off, feeling like crying and hiding. I finally caught up with them, and we continued. My hand felt like it should explode, and my leg was barely carrying me, but I continued. I didn’t know where to keep my eyes. My fellow trackers were too polite to laugh straight to my face, but my fall must have been a ridiculous sight.
Mortified, all I wanted was to get away from the embarrassing moment. We walked about four km after my fall, and I have to admit, they were painful.
Not as painful as the ride home, though. I drove with one hand, and I know I kept the conversation going, but I’ve got no idea of the current topics. Arriving home, I got out of my car in a not-so-ladylike-manner, due to the stiffness in my knee. I spent the rest of the day and evening with my leg up high, and now it exposes the map of the world, painted in colours from bright blue, dark green and purple.
My hand is swollen, fingers stiff, and painted in a greenish colour with dark blue spots.
The fall definitively makes the top five list of most embarrassing moments in my life. Definitively! I went from being outstanding to not be standing! That’s what happens when you fall flat on your face.
I wonder if the talented gentlemen Janus Friis from Denmark and Niklas Zennström from Sweden knew what they were starting, when they founded Skype in 2003. I mean, I just had a three way conversation with my sister in France and my dad in Norway, and the fact that we can speak and see each other, really prolonged the talk, without making it more interesting….No, I’m not being serious, but there is something to this.
Sometimes when we interact in our family, people overhearing tense to think about the Walkers in “Brothers & Sisters”. Tonight’s conversation was no exception, at one point I do believe the three of us kept five conversations alive at the same time…
My sister became a grandmother yesterday, and it was great to hear about the little new-born princess. At the same time, my dad had a lot of news, because of everybody who had called him in felicity of his new title as great grandfather. Me, I had maybe some news on my own, but I realized that I had to leave the main conversation to the two who had earned new titles.
Skype has really created a way of keeping family ties close, even when we live far away from each other. My sister sees my dad often and she is normally the one to tell him to get a haircut, even though she lives in the south of France. My dad on the other hand, thinks he speaks to his whole family, even though only one of us responds. There is no question about it; Skype is a great way to keep contact and to interact.
The days I don’t like skype as much, are the days when I don’t feel like sitting down talking to my computer for a long time. I mean, I’m a multi-tasking person, and when I talk to family members using my cell phone, I do the dishes and some cleaning around the house, or I play packman, feeding the cats…. You get the picture… Not focusing on every detail during the conversation makes it easier to keep the conversation on, but when they see me leave their screen from time to time, it’s a bit revealing.
So the question remains, to Skype or not to Skype…
Sometimes I find myself with a great idea, and the time to be creative, just to meet my piece of art not exactly to my liking. Sound’s odd? Or familiar?
I thought the idea was brilliant. However, I didn’t quite like my painting. I had it on my wall for a couple of weeks, but I didn’t feel the resonance I need to get from my art. So I took it down, and forgot about it.
I’ve always thought it was the background colour I couldn’t stand, it was pink, all right, but not the shopping pastel pink I was going for at the start of the work. But I realized that I need the screaming pink background for my never – again- usable credit cards. By adding a dark blue sparkling paint on the silver letters, the statement popped out of my painting, and made my day.
The final result is now on my wall, speaking to everybody that enters the room.
The reason I started working on this painting again, was also inspired of this cute little sign, which I know have placed under my painting.
Together, they speak my truth…
There should be one more sentence on the sign though;
I’m sitting here, with a big lump in my throat, and I’m afraid to burst into tears any minute. And that’s okay, I could cry, but when I think about why I’m upset now, I get angry as well. Why is it okay for some people to say anything they want, just to be funny. I really got hurt tonight, it was probably insignificant for everybody else, but to me, it was devastating. Who hurt me; a man I hardly know…, He is the brother of a friend of mine, so I meet him occasionally at family dinners at my friend’s house. Tonight I was really his target, he needed to make fun of someone, and he chose me… He knew something about my situation, and he asked me about it, and I answered truthfully. Then he made fun of me in front of the whole family. Oh, I should probably pity him; he must be so insecure to use my situation, but right now, I’m hurt. It’s also painful that nobody intervened. Why didn’t my friend say something to her brother?
I know, I’m being emotional and I should probably just move on, and tell myself that he is a jerk, and I shouldn’t bother thinking about this anymore… But it’s easier said than done. I know, I need to get over this and myself, and just laugh it away. And that’s why I try to write myself out of my painful feelings… When I’ve finished this blog post, I’m probably feeling better about this, right?
I found this statement; I wish I believed this strongly.