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I got a discouraging message today, once again.

I feel lonely and defeated, and I’m exhausted of trying.  But what is the alternative. Give up? I can’t. I have to believe that there are solutions to be discovered, that I will get my life back on track…

I get a bit confused, though, how did I end up here? Why am I in this situation? Two years ago, it would be unthinkable that I had no plan, had no lists to fill out, and no appointments to get to. And now, I am in a different situation, or I will be in a couple of weeks …I’m not panicking, though, not yet, that is.

What would life be, if we only got cheers and good wishes on our way?

A fairytale probably. And I’m no Cinderella. The prince came and left. The good fairy has been good, sometimes, then others, a total catastrophe. I don’t have a wand, like Harry Potter or his friend Hermine. I have a good imagination, though, great dreams that sometimes take me far, far away from here. Is that it? Did I think too much of myself, and my abilities?

No, I can’t believe that! Negative thoughts like this got me into this, actually. I used to have my share of good self-esteem, not too much, but not too little either. Then I got a person, or persons into my life, that started to bring me down. I didn’t pay too much attention to them in the start. Small comments, that shouldn’t have matter, slowly turned my world, and made me insecure. Scolding for small insignificant mistakes and personal rumours sent my abilities and feelings on a roller-coaster, downhill! I got afraid. Afraid of making mistakes and afraid of speaking up for myself. And I stopped doing that. Is that possible, to do, without being aware of it? Have I just walked out of my own life, like a zombie?

I think so. Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I couldn’t have done anything different. Because it is not that I have given up on myself, not in my own eyes. Probably in their opinion.

I decided weeks ago that I am the most important person in my own life.

Sometimes the wrong choices send us to the right places. It was wrong of me to stay in the situation, and I blame myself for not taking good care of myself. I would have done something if this had happened to one of my friends. If I had seen it, that is, because I do believe that is difficult to discover. None of my friend understood the gravity of what happened to me. And that’s understandable, I didn’t understand it myself.

I’ve learned a lot on my voyage. And I would like to find a new, secure harbour to dock in. But if I don’t find it straight away, I find comfort in the knowledge; I can swim!